Grief

Swiss-American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote a book in 1969 that outlined the five stages of grief. Even though this was over 50 years ago, her work is still well-respected by psychologists today. In her writing, she makes it clear that the stages are non-linear – people can experience these aspects of grief at different times and they do not happen in one particular order. You might not experience all of the stages, and you might find feelings are quite different with different losses.

Grieving a loss is never easy, but learning about the process might help you understand the difficult emotions you’re dealing with. There are five stages of grief–denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Denial

Some people at first carry on as if nothing has happened. Even if we know with our heads that someone has died it can be hard to believe that someone we love is not coming back. During this stage, you might feel numb, not really feeling anything.

Examples:

• Avoiding any discussion of a loss
• Acting like a loved one isn’t really gone
• Keeping busy to distract yourself from your feelings
• Pretending that everything’s okay

Anger

Anger is a completely natural emotion after someone dies. Death can seem unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time. It’s also common to feel angry towards the person who has died, or angry at ourselves for things we did or didn’t do before their death. This is even more evident if the loss involves addiction.

Examples:

• Feeling furious at factors related to your loss, such as poor healthcare system or a disease, including Substance Abuse.
• Lashing out at your loved ones or others around you
• Bottling up your feelings until you have explode and have emotional outbursts

Bargaining

Bargaining is when we start to make deals with ourselves, or perhaps with God if we’re religious. We want to believe that if we act in particular ways we will feel better. It’s also common to find ourselves going over and over things that happened in the past and asking a lot of ‘what if’ questions, wishing we could go back and change things in the hope things could have turned out differently.

Examples:

• Obsessing over the past and thinking about what you could have done differently
• Hoping for a miracle
• Trying to negotiate with a higher power

Depression

Sadness is the feeling we think of most when dealing with grief. This pain can be very intense and come in waves over many months or years. Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning which can be very scary.

Examples:

• Feeling hopeless about the future
• Withdrawing from others
• Sleeping all day
• Struggling with day-to-day responsibilities, such as showering
• Eating changes (not eating enough or eating too much)

Acceptance

Grief comes in waves and it can feel like nothing will ever be right again. But gradually most people find that the pain eases, and it is possible to accept what has happened. We may never ‘get over’ the death of someone precious, but we can learn to live again, while keeping the memories of those we have lost close to us.

Examples:

• Appreciating the time you had together
• Finding peace with the past
• Working to create a new path forward

Ways to help deal with grief:

• Surround yourself with supportive people who you feel like you can open up to.
• Talking about your feelings, regardless of what they are, can be very healthy and therapeutic.
• Attending support groups.
• Channel your anger in a healthy/positive way. It can be helpful to have healthy ways to release your rage. Journaling, walking, art, and even yelling into a pillow can be a way to let your feelings out. Once you’ve calmed down, you can verbalize your feelings to others.
• Turning their energy into helping others in the same situation.
• Acknowledge your feelings and get some perspective. It can be helpful to discuss your feelings with someone you trust, or you can try things like meditation.
• Redirect your attention to things you can change in the present. Even doing something small — like finding little ways to take care of yourself by going for a walk, reading a novel, or spending time with loved ones — can help you to regain a sense of control.
• It’s important to allow yourself to accept support from others and open up to the people around you.
• You could try writing a letter to your loved one, making a donation in their name, or sharing stories about them with others. These kinds of rituals can help you process loss
• Making peace with your loss can allow you to move forward in your life.

It’s okay to give yourself time to heal. If you find it hard to deal with unresolved grief or prolonged grief, there’s no shame in seeking grief support, such as seeking a grief counselor. There’s no cure for grief, but treatment can help you to process your feelings and find healthy ways to engage with your emotions.