Swiss-American psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote a book in 1969 that outlined the five stages of grief. Even though this was over 50 years ago, her work is still well-respected by psychologists today. In her writing, she makes it clear that the stages are non-linear – people can experience these aspects of grief at different times and they do not happen in one particular order. You might not experience all of the stages, and you might find feelings are quite different with different losses.
Grieving a loss is never easy, but learning about the process might help you understand the difficult emotions you’re dealing with. There are five stages of grief–denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Denial
Some people at first carry on as if nothing has happened. Even if we know with our heads that someone has died it can be hard to believe that someone we love is not coming back. During this stage, you might feel numb, not really feeling anything.
Examples:
Anger
Anger is a completely natural emotion after someone dies. Death can seem unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time. It’s also common to feel angry towards the person who has died, or angry at ourselves for things we did or didn’t do before their death. This is even more evident if the loss involves addiction.
Examples:
Bargaining
Bargaining is when we start to make deals with ourselves, or perhaps with God if we’re religious. We want to believe that if we act in particular ways we will feel better. It’s also common to find ourselves going over and over things that happened in the past and asking a lot of ‘what if’ questions, wishing we could go back and change things in the hope things could have turned out differently.
Examples:
Depression
Sadness is the feeling we think of most when dealing with grief. This pain can be very intense and come in waves over many months or years. Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning which can be very scary.
Examples:
Acceptance
Grief comes in waves and it can feel like nothing will ever be right again. But gradually most people find that the pain eases, and it is possible to accept what has happened. We may never ‘get over’ the death of someone precious, but we can learn to live again, while keeping the memories of those we have lost close to us.
Examples:
Ways to help deal with grief:
It’s okay to give yourself time to heal. If you find it hard to deal with unresolved grief or prolonged grief, there’s no shame in seeking grief support, such as seeking a grief counselor. There’s no cure for grief, but treatment can help you to process your feelings and find healthy ways to engage with your emotions.